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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23169517">Holding Her</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/txmlinsonw/pseuds/txmlinsonw'>txmlinsonw</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Walking Dead &amp; Related Fandoms, The Walking Dead (Comics), The Walking Dead (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, F/M, Grieve, I miss Negan, Loss, Love, Missing, Sad, kill</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-03-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-03-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 01:47:20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,723</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23169517</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/txmlinsonw/pseuds/txmlinsonw</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>He lost her, and he could only hold her.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Negan (Walking Dead)/Original Female Character(s), Negan (Walking Dead)/You</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>23</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Holding Her</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Completely inspired by episode 10x12. Negan is so cute.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>Inspired by:</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Fighting the dead was always better than fighting the living.</p><p>Being able to fight the dead for Alexandria’s wellness alongside the man she loved; was mostly a gift from heaven. Negan knew it too, and even as he wasn’t so thrilled to fight for Alexandria, he sure as hell was thrilled to fight with her. Michonne even let him out of the cell for a whole day so he could get all packed and ready for the fight! They sharpened their knifes together, while making out in her couch. Life couldn’t be better.</p><p>The sky was almost darkening when the first badge appeared. First, they fought it off as soon as they could, but as more and more walkers appeared, it turned harder for them to contain them. Somehow, they still managed to. They were killing those sorry fucks, her back sustained on Negan’s and vice versa; keeping each other safe with their bodies. It was when the waves finally were starting to minimize, when <em>it</em> happened. Everyone was too busy killing the dead ones; and honestly, no one knew whose silent bullet had missed its real target.</p><p>She left a soft cry, mixed with a moan full of pain and anguish as she felt blood starting to come out of her chest. She couldn’t speak, nor scream Negan’s name, but he still heard her.</p><p>He turned around, feeling something was wrong. He looked at her, their eyes meeting in a freezing feeling that hurt like something was burning inside of themselves. She looked shocked, realization of what had just happened: that a bullet had just gone straight into her chest and she was going to die.</p><p>Negan’s head was filled in a matter of milliseconds. He no longer cared about the fucking walkers. He knew he had to act quick, he had to do something, maybe a blood transfusion, carry her inside, something! He couldn’t lose her; not again. <em>Just hold her, you sorry fuck.</em></p><p>And oh, he did.</p><p>He could see how she was struggling to stand; and how the blood started coming out of her lips as a cascade. He quickly wrapped one of his arms around her waist and his other hand softly sustained her head, letting go of the knife he was using. She put her hands and her weight on his shoulders, trying not to fall as her body tried to hold on; her legs starting to give up as she lost more and more of her skin's redness. She looked pale.</p><p>It happened so fast. So fucking fast. There was blood everywhere. Her body was trembling, and she was trying so hard to speak. Her lips were moving but no words came out.</p><p>“Shh, shh, honey” Negan whispered, his heart aching. He held her, leaned her down still in his arms and tried not to feel like shit. “I’m here. I’m here.” He whispered, feeling his fingers sticky with blood. She looked into his eyes and her body seemed to relax a bit; she knew what would happen and he did too. “Time ran out for us” he whispered again, the screaming and explosions now very far away from their bubble. She nodded as she could, her eyes trying to close. He smiled softly and sadly, not that cocky smile that she hated sometimes. It was that smile that he would only give her when they were alone and she admitted to be in love with him; that warm smile that made her feel like <em>home</em>.</p><p>He leaned down slowly, and gave her lips a little peck as the sides of his mouth curved down, just as every time he savored the taste of sadness. “I love you.” He whispered, eyes closed; knowing that when he opened them again, she wouldn’t open hers anymore.</p><p>And that was exactly the case. He opened his eyes slowly, and she was no longer looking at him. Her last, weak breaths leaving her body.</p><p>He placed her softly onto the wooden floor; his arms not leaving her body at any moment. He sat there, leaning down, looking at her as Alexandria’s fields burned down. “I love you” he repeated, but now, his voice was broken… weak.</p><p>His mind was screaming. He could feel his insides, both physical as emotional, hating on himself. How? They had just been laughing and planning on their formation for the fight. How did this happen?</p><p>Just three hours ago they were making love. How? God; how?</p><p>That was what he still wondered weeks after.</p><p>Michonne let him stay home. Or at least, what used to be her house and it was the closest he would ever have to ‘home’. But maybe, just maybe, it was fucking him over some more. Everything reminded him of her; he spent the days thinking about her, he didn’t even want to eat. He just wanted her back.</p><p>One of those days, he wasn’t sure when, Michonne knocked on his door. She had seen him in his worst and he looked much worse than that; pale, sad, empty. He could’ve been mistaken as a walker.</p><p>“People are asking when are you going back to the cell. I guess they haven’t seen you yet. Haven’t you gone out?”</p><p>Negan just moved his head no, pouring her a glass of water as she was seated on the couch. “I really look that bad?” he raised one eyebrow as he remained standing.</p><p>“Much worse than when you were in there.” She stated and looked at him, frowning. After a few seconds of silence, she broke it off. “Judith misses you. She’s worried about you.”</p><p>“No, I can’t see or talk to her. Not like this.” He looked down to the floor. “She’s used to my jokes and stuff. I don’t think I can do that right now.” He explained. He felt like he owed her that.</p><p>“Alright. I will let her know about it.” She nodded, her tuff, strong façade showing. “Look, Negan…”</p><p>“No. I don’t want to do this.” He stopped her quickly. He knew that she was going to say how sorry she was for his loss. He just didn’t want to hear it. “I can’t handle it yet.” He murmured.</p><p>After that and a few more exchange of words, Michonne left. She knew how he felt; and she respected it. That’s why she gave him what he needed the most: <b><em>time</em></b>.</p><p>After some weeks, he was sitting alongside her grave, playing with some flower’s petals in his hands. He was there every day now; waiting, maybe. Waiting till he could cry, or feel anything. He just felt empty, weak, stupid.</p><p>“Good afternoon.” Gabriel appeared out of nowhere. Negan just nodded in response, without looking at him. “Negan, it’s come to our attention that… well…” he sighed softly. “Wouldn’t you like to speak to someone about this?”</p><p>He just moved his head no, still looking down at the petals.</p><p>“Are you sure? You know, it might really help. I know Michonne already tried to.”</p><p>He moved his head no again.</p><p>“I could stay here until you want to ta-“</p><p>“I said I don’t, Father. Now leave me the fuck alone.”</p><p>He sounded different, darker; lost. He had big purple circles around his eyes since he was having a very rough time to sleep alone; her scent still in the bedsheets.</p><p>Gabriel stood there and then nodded slowly. But he didn't leave. He needed help. “Negan, we are very wo-“</p><p>“Leave me alone!” He snapped, looking up to Gabriel. But he didn’t move. He looked like he was expecting it. “Okay, you wanna know why I don’t want to talk? Why I don’t go pick up the fucking tomatoes anymore?” he stood up, walking up to him; making Gabriel feel a bit worried about his wellbeing. “She’s not here anymore. And I don’t know if it’s my fault or not, or if I’m just too fucked up and I can only fall in love with women condemned to die before I do. But I know- I know…! I fucking miss her so much.” His voice started to crack. “And I am scared that if I start crying now, I might never stop.” He looked down, tears attempting to roll down. After a few seconds, he looked up again. “<em><b>Please.</b></em>” He whispered. “<em><b>Just leave me alone</b></em>.” He asked sincerely, as he never had in the past with him.</p><p>Gabriel breathed slowly, and nodded. ''She loved you, too. A lot. She asked me to help you get better, so you could have a normal life outside.'' he said.</p><p>Negan quickly rubbed the tears that were falling off.</p><p>''She was always much better than me'' he sighed. ''Gabriel, I know you are trying to help but I really feel like shit. Could you leave me alone?''</p><p>Gabriel nodded. ''As you wish.'' He doubted to do so but his hand went up to Negan's shoulder, trying to let him know he wasn't alone. Then, he left as Negan's eyes were set on the floor.</p><p>He spent his days there, just sitting next to her grave. Gabriel no longer tried to talk to him, Michonne either. But for the first time, everyone felt sorry for him. He looked wrecked, almost didn’t eat or sleep at all. He was just lifeless.</p><p>It was one of those nights, one of those horrible nights when he couldn’t sleep because the pain was too strong to bare. He had taken two showers, hoping to rub that feeling off. And after so many hours, he knew he just needed to cry.</p><p>He fell asleep after some hours, his crying would not stop and he kept talking to the air.</p><p>“Why? I-It should’ve been me, you should be here” he murmured as he hugged her pillow, feeling miserable. “I miss you so much, my love. So much.” He whispered. Over and over again.</p><p>Truth was, she was his everything. Everything he had. She had been there for years, bringing him food, keeping him company in that cell. She was the first person to see him as more than just a monster and he could never forget that. She would always find ways to sneak into seeing him and didn't care about Rick's prohibition. She was reckless, stubborn; and would never leave him.</p><p>She was his everything and now she was gone.</p>
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